Sunday, August 06, 2006
typing this entry in a cold, lonely night before my book in.
to be exact, im typing this entry 5 hours to my reporting timing. haha. hows life shawn ? i wonder.
sitting down and reflecting, 19 years have whizzed pass really fast. its as though the moment i stepped into pj was yesterday. all the fun, laughter, sweat and tears all seemed not too far away. what happened to all the good times.. its sad, how life never waits for you.
everyone has moved on with their own lives, at least with the most of us, not in NS.
being in the army makes one think about this life. what direction am i heading towards ? where do i want to go when im done with this shit ? what am i to everyone else around me ? are the morals and ideals i used to live by still upheld today ? so many self reflexive questions that perturb me when i lie quietly on top of the double decker bed, in the darkness, with only the sound of fans and snores to accompany my ticking head.
everyday i find no meaning in my life when i wake up at 6am. my brain tells me to change, go down and start my work. my hands tell me that i should work fast to avoid chiding and scolding. my legs tell me to walk away as fast as i can when i see my platoon sergeant lingering around. my heart tells me this is not what i like. regardless, i feel like a programmed robot, fixated, rooted and restricted. whenever i do a needless chore, a mindless task, a fruitless assignment, i cant help but feel so much frustration. my time could have been better spent. call it selfishness on my part, self-righteousness even. but i dont feel obliged to serve my nation, at least not in a military matter. the NE lessons they taught us, CME lessons and all that propoganda hooray hooray charades are useless as far as im concerned. they didnt affect me one bit. in fact im filled with cynicism for this country everytime they tell me about meritocracy, transparency etc.. i really dont know why..all the positives they so painstakingly imparted never ever failed to fuel the increasing negativity i had for a word many 'garang' soldiers hold dear to their souls : patriotism.
well enough complaining. i know i have no right to curse my nation in such a manner. im living comfortably after all. yet.... sigh i dont know.
what happened to all you guys ? what happened to soccer, fun, studying, slacking, eating in the canteen, farting in the toilets, running away from teachers, copying each others work, skipping tests. what ever happened to waking up in the morning, knowing that today and the rest of the days are going to be bright and happy ? what happened to the life i loved ?
