Tuesday, August 30, 2005
i need to improve! =(
Monday, August 22, 2005
Karma Police
I've given all I can
It's not enough
I've given all I can
But we're still on the payroll
Sunday, August 21, 2005
finally entering an entry after a long time, just felt like it.
recently, well, things have been picking up, and im looking towards everyday with more and more optimism. the up side of things are finally showing it'a true face after longs bouts of setbacks and minor trepidations i used to lament over incessantly. im not trying to boast, just charting my 'successes' so to speak.
academically, i've been improving slowly, but the pace has increased, thanks to my newfound determination and focused studying for at least 2-3 days a week ( shall extend that to a daily affair with effect from tmr in the library ). i got a 33/50 for my GP essay, and a commendation from the much affectionate eddie koh for good language. looking at old assignments, my gothic essay sprint had a D+, which was ( and still is) a remarkable leap from an F piece. econs wise, i had 12/15 for a recent essay test qn, which is damn hell bloody good. for geog, had 6/10 for a mini test and im passing fairly well for all my assignments. moreover, im doing my homework with more diligence. hoping for triple Cs for my prelims.
physically, i passed my napfa with a silver, so it means no more 3 extra mths for me. i improved from 0 pullups to 6. and i got a PES A classification for my NS checkup. though its still pending but im quite confident it'll stay that way, which is good, considering the fact i want to aim high for a position there. i lost weight and put on some new found semblances of muscles.. like an increase in shoulder and biceps, which is still considerably small, but hopefully by nxt yr i'll get a solid body. looking back, i also made quite an amazing feat of weight loss. from 75 from the end of j1 to 68.
skillwise, my soccer skills i think have improved alot from the beginning of this yr ( thanks to accepting critism,advice and training relentless at home by watching videos and practicing with smaller and bigger balls). my keeping is more faster reflexed and in most matches i would only concede 1-2 goals on an average. most days it would be a clean sheet. haha. defending wise, i think im performing well.. showing more composure when facing an offensive onslaught. judging from the recent matches we had yesterday ( a 7-4 victory, 0-0 draw and 4-1 loss, though the last two matches weren't 'serious') i reckoned i did perform to a certain level, holding the line with a 3/4 on 1 situation. attacking wise i remembered i did a blazing run going thru 5 opposing players ( though i think they gave alot of leeway ) to almost get a shot on goal and missed the goal from a rightwing snap shot.. i can do stepovers and a bit of bodyfakes. but i still have alot alot to learn, shall work on that everyday if possible, physically or mentally.
looking inwardly, i think i've changed for the better as a person. i'm less judgemental and also less impatient. which is good right ? i'm learning to bounce from failure almost instantly (whilst retaining vital lessons) and also learning to be extremely tolerant to things i do not like. =]
anyway, life has indeed been quite ok. thanks to friends and my family whom showed their compassion when i was troubled, empathy when i needed help, tolerance when i was overbearing and partial-ness when i openly displayed my flaws and weaknesses. thanks to all of you. including the teachers whom reminded me of my potential and believed in it while i was ruining it before.
jelly! if you are reading this, hope your doing okay in the States k ? I, along with the entire PJC family would always be behind you. any troubles can find us. we're in this life together! sorry for not being able to send you off once again, and i hope you liked my letter! take care of yourself, we all miss you, but are happy to see you walk a new , promising route towards success and livelihood. =]
time for todays reflections then, definitely time well spent. hahaha.
watched Perth : The Geylang Massacre today with my newfound M18 status. bloody, deppressing but nevertheless stunning, realistic and truly one of my favourite Singapore films alongside 12 Storeys, 15 and a couple of Jack Neo shows. Lim Kay Tong and the other 2 main actors whom I don't know their real names are really good at delivering their characters to the hearts and minds of viewers. the shows lack of a settled ending made me think alot, which is characteristic of a good film ( not saying unsolved dillemmas / irresolution equals good movie). and a similar recurring technique of using quiet , silent scenes is quite evident, which is great as well. makes the mind hypothesize and wander. ( like 12 Storeys and 15 ) . saw a new Eric Khoo film, hoping to watch it. i feel quite encouraged at how these local film talents have made it thus far. heartening and enlightening at the same time, for Singapore's finally getting recognised internationally for these talents.
well, thats about all i can say for now. and im not being arrogant or cocky for my above supposed self flattering comments. just letting people, including jelly know im doing fine, and will continue to be fine. meanwhile, lets work hard okay guys ? a few more months to go before we're free! and claryce! thanks for agreeing to help me with my gothic group's assignment. really appreciate it, I would need your academical fortitude to pull me through this tough one. don't worry about your recent setback too. k ?
hmmm. ending off, shall post an old poem of mine, for the convinience of old fans ( heh ) and new readers alike. in any sense, haven't been composing poems, bcos koh told me before that poems can't be forced. if not it'll would sounds contrived, thats why i stopped my daily poems, bcos it just became entrenched deeper into my own struggles, and the subject matters and form were getting too mixed and vague. which isn't literature at all. hahaha. wow this is a long entry, long time. okay gotta go, its late.
---------------------------------------------------
beautiful pother
where are you ?
the one with courage
where was me ?
the one with infinite confidence
or was it illusions ?
the one that overshadows my hopes
What are the shapes i knew nothing of ?
the one which resembled the screes which i threw my stones on
what is stopping me?
the one that obstructs my tarmac and my vision through the turbulence
is it in my illusive mind ?
the one that regresses constantly
i saw myself
i've seen you before
i saw him
he had seen me before
i saw you
but have you seen me before?
*****************************************
stop painting those sweet pictures
giving away openly false overtures
start anew with broken wings
without obstructions without flings
on inured knees i cry
will you give me the chance to try ?
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
Degree 1: The Glass Prison
[I. REFLECTION]
Cunning, Baffling, Powerful
Been beaten to a pulp
Vigorous, Irresistable
Sick and tired and laid low
Dominating, Invincible
Black-out, loss of control
Overwhelming, Unquenchable
I'm powerless, have to let go
I can't escape it
It leaves me frail and worn
Can no longer take it
Senses tattered and torn
Hopeless surrender
Obsession's got me beat
Losing the will to live
Admitting complete defeat
Fatal Descent
Spinning around
I've gone too far
To turn back round
Desperate attempt
Stop the progression
At any length
Lift this obsession
Crawling to my glass prison
A place where no one knows
My secret lonely world begins
So much safer here
A place where I can go
To forget about my daily sins
Life here in my glass prison
A place I once called home
Fall in nocturnal bliss again
Chasing a long lost friend
I no longer can control
Just waiting for this hopelessness to end
[II. RESTORATION]
Run - fast from the wreckage of the past
A shattered glass prison wall behind me
Fight - past walking through the ashes
A distant oasis before me
Cry - desperate crawling on my knees
Begging God to please stop the insanity
Help me - I'm trying to believe
Stop wallowing in my own self pity
"We've been waiting for you my friend
The writing's been on the wall
All it takes is a little faith
You know you're the same as us all"
Help me - I can't break out this prison all alone
Save me - I'm drowning and I'm hopeless on my own
Heal me - I can't restore my sanity alone
Enter the door
Desperate
Fighting no more
Help me restore
To my sanityAt this temple of hope
I need to learn
Teach me how
Sorrow to burn
Help me return
To humanity
I'll be fearless and thorough
To enter this temple of hope
Believe
Transcend the pain
Living the life
Humility
Opened my eyes
This new odyssey
Of rigorous honesty
Serenity
I never knew
Soundness of mind
Helped me to find
Courage to change
All the things that I can
"We'll help you perform this miracle
But you must set your past free
You dug the hole, but you can't bury your soul
Open your mind and you'll see"
Help me - I can't break out this prison all alone
Save me - I'm drowning and I'm hopeless on my own
Heal me - I can't restore my sanity alone
[III. REVELATION]
Way off in the distance
I saw a door I tried to open
I tried forcing with all of my will and still
The door wouldn't open
Unable to trust in my faith
I turned and walked away
I looked around, felt a chill in the air
Took my will and turned it over
The glass prison which once held me is now gone
A long lost fortress
Armed only with liberty
And the key of my willingness
Fell down on my knees and prayed
"Thy will be done"
I turned around, saw a light shining through
The door was wide open........
just another day at the pool parlor being my noobish self. hurhur.
anyhow, the days that have come and gone, the hours that have been swept away from me
have never been so much sweeter, memorable and definitely worthwhile. meaning has been found, and that meaning shall dictate my lifestyle from now on no matter what it takes.. *clapclaapclappclap*
Sunday, August 07, 2005
getting drunk on the 18th. woot.
