Sunday, January 30, 2005
as of yesterday i do not know anything about it
as of all my previous posts, i would glady forget them
as of now, i have finally found that purpose to continue on with a smile
i can finally see why, i can finally see how.
that is that, what can be will happen, what cannot be, should be left as it has always been.
in the wake of a brand new week, on this very sunday 30 Janurary 2005.
i have finally attained my nirvana, my melancholic euphoria. not yours, not Buddhas,not Einsteins not even Kurt Cobains. no pun intended. Mine.
people reading my post
your mind should be struggling to think now
"why has this guy, whom ive seen been struggling
staggering
trying so hard to get the truth out of his devious life
finally been able to write something as positive as this ?"
or
"why all this bullshit. I enjoyed reading his all so depressing posts."
"finally he has woken up"
the tunnel ive been walking endlessly in
has finally collapsed
into an expressway with no restrictions
today ive seen the most , in my utmost humble opinion, inspiring thoughtful imaginative awesome film in my entire 18 years on planet earth
fight club
i cant get enough of it. it made me realise that dwelling on the past is just rapidly punching myself in the face.
go catch it yourself please. it'll will do you a favour
intepretions of the film would vary to and i know just the reason why. but i shant spoil it.
i have finally found solace in the depression, the mundane, the grey, the mechanical, the materialism, the superficiality, apparent, not only in my life.. but in other peoples lives as well.
striving to be, striving to become.
reconstructing myself and taking control.
living life to the fullest and abadoning social norms to embrace them with wide arms
seeking the smile - my priority
we all lack a great cause, like a war or depression, in which to test ourselves, to find the answers
to the questions that will surface, or has already surfaced in the daily lives we lead as faceless individuals of the rigid Singaporean Society
that aside.
i guess i know why now.
to find that purpose to smile is the purpose to smile after all.
writing an entry finally, after a long time.
the days just fade away
ive come to realise the need to just move on
hopefully i cant
soccer today was horrible.. played like crap.
conceded 2nd goal bcos of my horrible error
digusting 5-3 victory
well blame it on my inexperience
say its all bcos of the fact that i just started playing soccer half a year ago, and ive been playing basketball for nearly 2 years, so i cant be blaming myself so much
but its excuses, i dont perform when it comes to the crunch.
oh well.
moving on.
You Know You're Right
I will never bother you
I will never promise to
I will never follow you
I will never bother you
Never say a word again
I will crawl away for good
I won't move away from here
You won't be afraid of fear
No thought was put into this
I always knew it would come to this
Things have never been so swell
And I have never failed to fail
Pain.
You know you're right
I'm so warm and calm inside
I no longer have to hide
There's talk about someone else
Stinging soup, begins to melt
Nothing really bothers her
She just wants to love herself
I will move away from here
You won't be afraid of fear
No thought was put into this
Always knew it would come like this
Things have never been so swell
And I have never failed to fail
You know you're right
Friday, January 21, 2005
back on the com as usual. studied abit today, about 2 hrs plus which is quite an achievement.
nothing much to write, my minds blank. like this post.
Wednesday, January 19, 2005
back home earlier today, spent a wonderful 1.5 hours stoning with the art soc losers, i hate it so much. but what to do, i chose this cca and mistakes cant be undone anymore - a lesson i've yet to fully learn..
im really thinking inside my head nowadays
will i go crazy one day
be one of those lunatics at the mental asylum with no one to visit me anymore
because i repress everything
all that torment all that disappointment all that guilt all that emotion. i just cant live through it alone because i've lost the you again many times over and its always my fault..
curse my ignorant soul
and my denial to accept and just do what everyone tells one another '' thats life, we have to go thru it''
my talents are mediocre and i will never succeed in being the best at least once..
my intellect is damned and will never be able to comprehend or create sophistication at its best
my will is too meek and i always want to be accepted, most of the time i always think im accepted but actually im not.
it wears me out
people always think im a depressed individual
or an arrogant fool, using depression as a tool for companionship and popularity. they despise what is actually inherent in the common man, sadness and disappointment, writing poetry to make myself look like the intellectual next door that knows the difference between a cow and an alien.
im not depressed , just disappointed at what i do, and what i dont do sometimes or rather everytime
im saddened not by news of destruction and mass genocide but rather dismayed at the character that trys to burn within me but gets extiguished by waves everyday.
''open your eyes, see how tiny u are'' or so they say
why open your eyes and feel the world
when you close your eyes and find your own world facing an armageddon
why feel and discover and explore and preserve
when the jungles in your heart are being burned down everyday
you may call me shallow, arrogant, foolish
label me a poser of sorts
see me as a loser that cant escape the cage with a red carpet in front of me
i guess i am, but thats the way i am, live with it or go stab yourself with a spoon.. sorry if i offended anyone of you though..
looking and thinking outside of my head, i see that i always infatuate and maybe i'll smile if you do.
Sunday, January 16, 2005
Stairway To Heaven
There's a lady who's sure, all that glitters is gold
And she's buying a stairway to heaven
When she gets there she knows, if the stores are all closed
With a word she can get what she came for
and she's buying a stairway to heaven
There's a sign on the wall, but she wants to be sure
'cause you know sometimes words have two meanings
In a tree by the brook, there's a songbird who sings
Sometimes all of our thoughts are misgiven
Oh, it makes me wonder
Oh, it makes me wonder
There's a feeling I get when I look to the west
And my spirit is crying for leaving
In my thoughts I have seen rings of smoke through the trees
And the voices of those who standing looking
Oh, it makes me wonder
Oh, it really makes me wonder
And it's whispered that soon if we all call the tune
Then the piper will lead us to reason
And a new day will dawn for those who stand long
And the forests will echo with laughter
If there's a bustle in your hedgerow, don't be alarmed now
It's just a spring clean for the May Queen
Yes there are two paths you can go by, but in the long run
There's still time to change the road you're on
And it makes me wonder
Your head is humming and it won't go, in case you don't know
The piper's calling you to join him
Dear lady can you hear the wind blow, and did you know
Your stairway lies on the whispering wind
And as we wind on down the road
Our shadows taller than our soul
There walks a lady we all know
Who shines white light and wants to show
How ev'rything still turns to gold
And if you listen very hard
The tune will come to you at last
When all are one and one is all
To be a rock and not to roll
And she's buying a stairway to heaven
Saturday, January 15, 2005
The Wanderer's Travel
in such a dark abyss
i can accept
that pegs on a carousel are slaves to anothers will
wake and see the surreal
sleep and believe that dream is reality
i draw solace from
blissful agony
sorrowful eternity
forever alone
forever a wanderer
till broken time finds
the comfort
Thursday, January 13, 2005
The Wanderer
One day in a world where feelings have no meaning,
a wanderer crosses through a barren plain
with an aimless destination for resolution.
While he journeys boorishly on hard soil,
his shells just fades away slowly, leaving behind that greyness,
once again an outcast inside a shelter of selfish sorrow.
Once again the eyes outside know nothing and assume everything.
The wanderer was not in a dither.
Every action every thought every word spoken just
withered like frozen petals drifting on rusty wind.
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Heres something old as well, one of my lousier poems i think. the days in sch are dreadful, boring and boring and really boring. i cant seem to be able to look foward anymore.. havent been able to use the com too often, bcos mine is down and my sisters com is , msn downed. it dawned on me that the fact is everything i do seems to shatter and break into pieces, i have nothing. its not like i have anything or anyone special that could be taken away now , so ive nothing to lose. its not like im good at anything as well so probably blame is the only thing there is to me. oh wow look at me im sad what a facade.
im confused, can someone find that purpose for me to go on with a smile.
bcos it seems that purpose i thought was there was stomped on once.
thrown away twice.
Tuesday, January 04, 2005
the 2nd day of sch passes quickly, time and tide waits for no man.
anyhow, did really new things today in gp and lit, esp in lit.. instead of appreciating poetry we get to appreciate prose.. quite boring nontheless, isnt sch always ? well sticks and stones may break my bones. haha.. anyhow, just drifting lifelessly on life now, which is terrible btw.
The Man Who Sold The World
We passed upon the stair
We spoke of was and when
Although I wasn't there
He said I was his friend
Which came as a surprise
I spoke into his eyes
I thought you died alone
A long long time ago
Oh no, not me
We never lost control
You're face to face
With the man who sold the world
I laughed and shook his hand
And made my way back home
I searched for form and land
For years and years I roamed
I gazed I gazed I stared
We walked a million hills
We must have died alone,
A long long time ago
Who knows?
Not meI never lost control
You're face to face
With the Man who Sold the World
Monday, January 03, 2005
wee im back from the first day, it was absolutely awful.
back to the drilling, back to the constant brain aches, back to the nonstop workloads
the new gp class is dumb. the later part of the day was ok though , it was soccer. thats about it. my day summarised in a few sentences. my brain has ceased to function properly, im too sad and tired to fix it so i'll let it be, let my fingers do the talking for me.
it worries me to see people enjoying to be intellectual, what happen to simple-nice-neat-get-the job-done-woopee ways of doing things . simplicity is the mother of invention, or so they say.
i can never understand me or other people, so those that make me dumb ?
i dont know
i can't understand u.
i never will
Sunday, January 02, 2005
hey guys, this is the last of my old poems i didnt post on my blog.. promise a new entry when sch reopens on monday ya. happy new year btw ! =)
Willful Resignation
A leaf clover free from restriction
brushes through my hair curiously
I catch a brisk glimpse
of a lonely jungle and the evening sky
before opening my eyes once more
only to reveal the same rhetorical questions
lonely echoes of a failed and miserable past
I can no longer
hear the bluebirds
serenading for springs approach
I had once
enjoyed the blooming flowers
carpeting and kissing the earth with colours
but now I cant
see you under that tree anymore
or can I ?
from sorrow to serenity
sounds of breathing sharpen my ears
then they fade into nothing
someones laughter out in the street
fills the night with their loving
Such sweet sights
pleasing only to my blind sight
day to day I struggle to keep
My eyes closed
for I know what I see will hurt.
its Me that love cant find
now here is gone
i wonder where these dreams go
when the world gets in your way
theres no point in ever trying
nothings changing anyway
Ive chosen to close my eyes
How about you?
