Sunday, October 31, 2004
day by day
hour by hour
minute by minute
the clock of death ticks constantly
thrusting my serenity into sheer frantic madness
my emotional scape becomes barren, nothing that i once had known
i hardly remember the days of success..
yet contradictory moments of nostalgic thoughts emerge
making me smile at myself
laugh at those stupid times..
stupid simple pure untainted goodness...
dawn breaks as i approach the cessation
i knew this was inevitable. life must go on...
however foreboding, however dreadful it may be..
i guess we all have to embrace it, acknowledge our time.
the thoughts scare me
drives me to bouts of depression
makes me unlike myself..
the seperation thickens with each heart beat.
i acknowledge, yet
i dread
my hour has finally arrived.. my minute has finally arrived..
the memories i keep are from a time like then
someday i hoping to close my eyes
and just pretend
that the crumpled up paper i once held and forsook
could just be perfect again..
temporal bliss, eternal pain
nothing to gain, the deprivation continues..
sorrow has reached its high
her beautiful eyes continues to haunt my nights
the images i swore to forget
i humbly keep within
the cherry blossoms i seefades
everyday
on and on
below the tree she stood so pulchritudinously
yet thats an old story
i choose to reply
everyday like a sick carousel of
darknessn lament anguish bitterness
i continue to journey on this tarmac
not for its reward
just for the outcome
i already anticipate.....
who am i fooling, no one.
dawn breaks as i approach the cessation
i knew this was inevitable. life must go on...
however foreboding, however dreadful it may be..
i guess we all have to embrace it, acknowledge our time.
no choice left
no way out
let it burn.
Thursday, October 28, 2004
the mood to blog fades everyday.
i can no longer find the words to express my self sometimes.
i seem cool headed and confident but im not..
there goes the vicious cycle again ... churning me inside out,
depressing the lessons i taught i knew was true..
changing fabrications of an old lie..
we all go through it, i cant take it.
blame it on our weak feeble . no my weak feeble mind.
no matter how i try to run, the shadow grows bigger with each turn
the past echoes even more.
it hearkens
never ending comprimise..
its no bed of roses..
that sick cycle of distorted feelings
of endless regression..
the future is bleak and dull
seperation is inevitable and uncontrollable
are we going to make it whole
as we approach that cessation.
ive destroyed that tarmac of redemption
all i can do is wait and remain idle
i remain forgotten
society depends not on our differences but the seperation within
coherence is out of place here
we all know how weak. no how weak the human is.
fallible gullible
i feel intangible..
that emotional barriers
i wasted it all
it all fell apart..
i'll never find it..
Wednesday, October 20, 2004
once again jotting down my feelings
read thru some ppls blogs, again..
i think ive managed to characterise blogs in someway .. some are feelings blogs, some are daily happenings blogs.. some are weird blogs.. like mine..haha..
well.. feeling awfully sleepy and lethargic.. so there would be a high chance of me typing nonsense.. or terrible cliche poetic crap, as some ppl might see it. im sorry, im a pessimist too ya.
im aware my entries are laced with nonstop grammatical errors too..
one word.
so ?
well, enough flaming to no one.
i feel like sharing my experience with melancholic euphoria with everyone, but unfortunately i cant .. its too personal. it involves something i hold there too.
i think im not making coherent sense now.anyway, fiona ? haha.
to blog like a human is to express.
to express is to project and articulate repression.
it so happens my repression is depression...so my blogs like that.
melodramatic, melancholic, irrational, irritating, frustrating, nostalgic. instead of the i-did-what-today-u-know-what-i-hate-it kinda blog or the i-dont-want-to-reveal-my-true-side blog either.
haha. wats wrong with me today.
need sleep. im becoming happy ?
so there, a confusing entry by shawn today, instead of a highly depressive one... i think. not much negatives used here.
Monday, October 18, 2004
im back once again.
the sick cycle of boredom has finally hit me... wee~
yes.. what the future holds for me... rather foreboding..
would i promote ? will i ? could i ? or should i..
questions that seem easy to others.
that refuse to acknowledge their intellect.
some thoughts of stuff.
after watching 2046, i find myself making direct parallels to the story..
its hard to forget.
smt happened today.
a group of gals and guys from cck sec sch came chasing me for my hp no.
for a gal, which is their friend.
the situation was frantic and down right embarassing..
likened to dogs.
if i reject u, please respect me and walk away ?
no hard feelings. im trying to hold the crude profanities harboured within my repressed self that would harm the individual emotionscape.
sorry i cant seem to describe the event any longer.
the stupidity of it all makes my articulation retarded.
anyhow, I've realised something.
today i actually experienced melancholic euphoria.
it happened when i was dreaming whilst sleeping in class today.
it was remarkably refreshing..
more on it tmr.
Sunday, October 17, 2004
hey guys im back.
dont worry im ok now. for now. as much as i enjoy being dumb, i enjoy lethal doses of depression.
dont mind me.. now im experiencing paints of exuberence.
besides that, go watch TV or smt. Its much better than real life.
i dont understand some people from the past though
the word '' forsake'' seems to lead them on in life.
ya im ok guys. go read a book.
Monday, October 11, 2004
Has it failed? the lie so white it's almost see-through---all we made a fruitless effort to connect with ourselves and remain disconnected ''don't hesitate to sweep this failure under
the carpet'' as we exchange insincerities as we walk out on ourselves and remain
disconnected. so I slide into the deep end;I was up against something bigger
than me don't have any access don't have any answers to what's inside
so here is to safety and it's comfort I wouldn't know how to get around
this or myself to begin with, I remain disconnected.
my days go long and dry turning the vibrance i once
knew into depressed shades of defeat
why cant these dreams be fulfilled
why cant i surpass
why cant.
why me?
shit.
Sunday, October 03, 2004
- Blow Away -
live in my head for just one day
i see myself and look away
the road is showing now on my face
soon i'll disappear
disappear without a trace
faces that i've seen
turn old and grey
i've lost too many friends along the way
memories i never thought would fade
they fade and blow away
i wish that i could disappear
unzip my skin and leave it here
so i could be no one again
and never let nobody,
i'd let nobody i'd let nobody in
faces that i've seen
turn old and grey
i've lost too many friends along the way
memories i never thought would fade
they fade and blow away
so now the walls are closing in
because in life you sink or swim
sometimes these shoes
don't feel right in my head
feel like a book that can't be...
a book that can't be, a book that can't be read
faces that i've seen turn old and grey
i've lost too many friends along the way
memories i never thought would fade
they fade and blow away
the road is showing now on my face
soon i'll disappear
disappear without a trace.
